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I Went On a 7-Day 'Sex Cruise', And It Was The Wildest Vacation Ever

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A true goddess. Hotgie is. But less The redhead? Close enough. He died this morning. I am Mr. Hugh Hefner. He sure was. The robe, the slippers, the fedora. The oldness. I LOVE dancing! I nodded, and he pulled me to the dance floor without skipping a beat.

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I was mildly concerned that this old man's wife would be upset that he was twirling around with me, a much younger woman, so zadarr of integrity, I asked: And neither will my girlfriend! If the world ever needs a something sex superhero, here he is. We found his girlfriend, who was also quite old, near the bar, hug-dancing and fingering an equally elderly woman dressed as a dominatrix, her saggy pancake titties totally exposed and drooping down to her belly button. Ah, the unmistakable appearance of the sexually frustrated.

Without a single word, she wrapped her arms around his head and made out with him real sloppy. It was Single hottie in zadar kind of gross. Tongues everywhere. Side note: Who the hell is Eileen? Linda threw her hands up and grinded her hips against me. It was cute. Suddenly, the old dominatrix lady closed in on us, sandwiching me between Linda, and shouted something in German to her husband, who was dancing by himself nearby. He knows how to have a good time. On my way out of the disco, I took a quick peek into the "Play Room," which was the official designated sex area of the ship, and saw one couple ing, another engaged in a strange take on missionary, another going at it doggy style, and one lonesome man jerking off to porn that was playing on a giant screen.

I was no longer fazed by any of this, so I just walked out without a second glance, went to my room, and went to sleep. That was enough excitement for one night. The next day was my birthday, so naturally, I spent the entire afternoon day-drinking in Zadar, Croatia, to celebrate successfully completing another year on earth. By the time I got back to the ship, it was 6: Desire I must have knocked out for a toasty evening nap for a little while, because the next thing I knew, it was 7: An orgy! There must have been 10 people in that hot tub, and in the ultimate act of teamwork, 4 of them had linked arms to make a human bed in the water for a woman who was being eaten out by some dude who looked like a Backstreet Boy, while another, voluptuous woman looked on and coached them, like a ringleader.

A few minutes later, the lady had a loud orgasm, hopped off her human bed, gently kissed the Backstreet Boy on the forehead, and was replaced by a different woman, who the Backstreet Boy proceeded to eat out as well.

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